Doug’s t-shirt says
“The trouble with quotes on the Internet is you never know if they are genuine.” — Einstein
Having great vocabulary didn’t save the Thesaurus from extinction / eradication / extirpation.
Dear Math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems.
Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be unhappy to find out it’s not them
So much to do and so many other things to distract me.
I got this t-shirt for my sister. (Best trade I ever made.)
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
In pig years, I’d be a football.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed.
The dog ate my lesson plan.
I will conquer my procrastination problem. You just wait!
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
Some people are like Slinkies. Good for nothing, but you can’t help but smile as you push them down the stairs.
I am the grammarian about whom your mother warned you.
When everyone’s out to get you, paranoia’s just good thinking.
Sometimes I wonder… “Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?” And then it hits me.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
If you’re telekinetic and know it, raise my hand.
Let’s hope intelligent life exists in space. I’m lonely here.
Life is short. Read fast.
Talk nerdy to me
Don’t make me use my Librarian voice.
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called Research. Einstein
ENGLISH MAJOR - You do the math
It’s such a beautiful day. I think I’ll surprise everyone and skip my medication.
Careful, or you’ll end up in my novel.
Joan of Arc was not Noah’s wife
Traveling 33 RPM in an iPod world
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma?
I wish I knew then, what I know now - that I just forgot
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, except for the one where you’re naked in church.
My short-term memory is not what it once was. Also, my short-term memory is not what it once was.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE. Sometimes I even put some in the food.
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Red meat is not bad for you. (Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.)
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Dear Santa, I can explain…
Think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram
Over the hill and picking up speed!
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast
FILE NOT FOUND Would you like a beer instead?
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
Dance like (nobody who can commit you) is watching.
DISHEVELED: Not just a look, it’s a life style.
Awwww, another Whiners Club meeting already?
Non Sequiturs are like Bicycles. They don’t bathe.
A Pun at Maturity is Fully Groan
Ha! Ha! Made You Read
At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All … I Just Can’t Remember It All
Never judge a book by its movie
Good Morning is an oxymoron
I’m a librarian. Don’t make me shush your ass.
If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
I put the fun in dysfunctional!
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You
I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
My dog can lick YOUR HONOR STUDENT
I may not be right, but I can sure sound like it.
If idiots grew on trees this place would be an orchard.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
You’re looking at a legend.
PESSISMISM never works
I”ll get my elves right on that…
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Those who can, do. Those who can do more, teach.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Don’t make me get the flying monkeys!
Lost in thought (Please send rescue party.)
I don’t have pet peeves. I have kennels of irritation.
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
If I was any better, I’d have to be twins.
I admit it. I ate the last cookie.
Viewer discretion advised.
I’d be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees.
PRINCE CHARMING plus a few years
There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Thanks to medical science I’ll outlive my retirement fund.
When life hands you lemons, make lemon bars.
Find your Neitzche in life: Study philosophy.
Need more RAM, ROM & REM.
I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
I keep hitting the escape key but I’m still here.
Deja Moo: the feeling you’ve heard this bull before.
Blood, Sweat & Duct Tape
Just another poo flingin’ day in the jungle.
Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
What I really need are minions.
Stupidity Kills (but not nearly enough)
If it wasn’t for airline security, I wouldn’t have a sex life at all.
Sanity: It’s so subjective.
If it’s true we’re here to help others, what exactly are the others here for?
Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder…and your hand over my mouth.
programmed to accept cookies.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?
Too many people with solutions ARE THE PROBLEM
I’m sick of being my wife’s arm candy.
If I’m talking you should be taking notes.
Books – the original laptop.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
At what age am I old enough to know better?
What part of quantum theory don’t you understand?
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
I’m only wearing black until they make something darker.
If three out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other two enjoy it?
Of course I believe in free will - I have no choice.
I seized yesterday.
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W.T.F.
Grandpa: Just like Dad, but with fewer rules.
Irony: the opposite of wrinkly.
They say memory is the first thing to … wait, what were we talking about?
Computers do not damage your thinker thingy.
I like cats. I just can’t eat a whole one by myself.
It is what it is .. or is it?
667 - Evil and then some
Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
Is there a hyphen in obsessive ————— compulsive?
I’m sick of political ads. And I approve of this message.
Unfair and unbalanced.
My mind works like lightening. One brilliant flash and it’s gone.
easily distracted by shiny objects
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Never, ever, ever, ever test your wife’s memory
I don’t qualify for a smartphone
Age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
Pithy saying Pith me off.
I do know all the answers but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.
They say I have A.D.D. but they just don’t understand. Oh Look! A chicken!
I’m in the prime of my strife.
My password is: * * * * * * * *
Float like a Lepidoptera. Sting like a Hymenoptera.
Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.
This IS my warm and sensitive side.
GRAVITY always wins
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
So much to do and so many other things to distract me.
21,717days old. But who’s counting?
It’s lonely being right all the time.
It’s not rocket surgery.
Sharp as a marble.
Bad spelling makes me [sic].
It’s better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life.
Mirror, mirror on the wall… What the **^&%^&% happened?
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
Always be nice to the lunch lady.
Yes, I know I need a haircut.
I don’t skinny dip. I chunky dunk.
Some days it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints.
By reading this, you have given me brief control over your mind.
My attitude is contagious but they are looking for a cure.
My book club can beat up your book club.
Old Dog. Knows All The Tricks.
Women Who Behave Rarely Make History
THE BEATINGS WILL CONTINUE Until Morale Improves!
I hear you changed your mind at last. What did you do with the diaper?
Beer Helping White Men Dance Since 1862
Just be happy I’m not a twin.
The probability that you read my shirt: 1.
And thou shalt have dominion over the animals – except, of course, the cats.
If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will?
Old friends are the best – they know everything about you (but they can’t remember it).
I wandered off from the tour.
Shhhhhh… that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
I live for snow days.
Embarrassing my children – Just one more service I offer.
When I was your age, Pluto was a planet.
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
If you have something to say raise your hand … and place it over your mouth.
Everything I say is substantiated by my own opinion.
I can’t remember what I forgot to forget.
Don’t do what I do, but do do what I don’t do.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
I’ve stopped listening. Why haven’t you stopped talking?
If you’re too open minded your brain will fall out.
Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
It isn’t the jeans that make your rear end look fat.
Education bridges the gap between your ears.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Et tu dufus?
Where are we going and why are we in this hand basket?
It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it’s all about?
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
I’m confused. Wait…maybe I’m not.
333 – I’m only half evil.
My life is an endless battle against maturity.
On the journey of life, I chose the psycho path.
Even if the voices are not real they have some pretty good ideas.
You can’t scare me – I have a two year old.
Instant human – Just add coffee.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I never get lost. People always tell me where to go.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Is a retired therapist a shrunk?
No one knows the trouble I’ve been.
If the grass is greener on the other side - WATER YOUR GRASS
HISTORY BUFF: I’d find you more interesting if you were dead.
Pretending I’m a pleasant person all day is exhausting.
i before e except afer c weird?
I’m not bossy. I just know what should be done.
Keep staring at me. I might do a trick.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When all else fails, manipulate the data.
Mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park.
Top 10 reasons to procrastinate: 1.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
HERE I AM. Now what are your other two wishes?
National Sarcasm Society: Like we need your support.
Some days you’re the bug. Other days you’re the windshield.
Your participle is dangling.
I’m lost. But I’m making good time.
With luck & planning I’ll retire at 149.
Have you seen my marbles?
You’re not the boss of me. My cat is.
DOOLITTLE & LOAFMORE - Retirement Planning
My Indian name is RUNS WITH BEER
SCHIZOPHRENIA Beats being alone.
The pigeons are watching me…
DO NOT DISTURB Already quite disturbed.
You’re funny. But looks aren’t everything.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t…
I Do All My Own Stunts
Well aren’t you the most adorable black hole of need.
Department of Redundancy Department
I’m with stupid. (Arrow pointing up.)
I AM the evil twin.
Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
You! Off my planet!
You looked better on Facebook.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And, your cry baby whiney opinion would be?
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I’m just working here till McDonalds takes on older workers.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
Everyone thinks that I am psychotic - except my friends deep inside the earth.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
First rule of married life: it’s better to be happy than to be right.
HELP WANTED: Telepath - You know where to apply.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
You can’t steer a parked car.
LOST: Black and white cat. Blind in left eye. Lame. Recently castrated. Answers to the name of Lucky.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
We make the easy impossible.
How do I set the laser pointer to stun?
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don’t work here, I’m a consultant.
Experience is a wonderful teacher (But she gives too much homework)
Carpe Dormio (Seize the nap)
The Hokey Pokey Clinic - A place to turn yourself around.
Cure procrastination! Just don’t do it.
Home Schooled. But still late every morning.
My attention span is shorter than
Is there an app that makes me younger?
It’s sad how old all my old girlfriends are looking.
I have reason to believe the squirrels are mocking me.
When all else fails, try doing what your therapist suggested.
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
Ahhh.. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #3?
I had amnesia once — or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
They told me I was gullible… and I believed them.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Doug. Your Eminence. I’m fine with either one.
Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too small to be let out on its own.
I’m currently away from my desk.
Of course I live in the past. It’s cheaper there.
Never moon a werewolf.
Chemistry is just like cooking. Just don’t lick the spoon.
Paddle faster! I hear banjo music.
Say NO to negative thinking.
At my age I don’t even buy green bananas.
To err is human. To arrrr is pirate.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
I cannot resist the primal, demon rhythm of the polka.
I used to be a millionaire. Then Mom threw away my baseball card collection.
Being vague is as annoying as that other thing.
I’m so far behind, I thought I was first!
At what age am I old enough to know better?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
As a computer professional, I find your faith in technology amusing.
I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
Statisics mean never having to say you’re certain.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Dogs don’t need 9 lives because they get it right the first time.
Resistance is not futile. It’s voltage divided by current.
A penny for your thoughts. (Five bucks if they’re dirty.)
There are three kinds of people in the world. Those that are good at math and those that aren’t.
Many people have eaten my cooking and gone on to leave normal lives.
I huffed and I puffed and I got up out of my chair.
I’m so busy I don’t know if I found a rope or lost my horse.
Life is like a doughnut. You’re either in the dough or in the hole.
Ambivalent? Well .. Yes and no.
My attention span is shorter than
I have CDO. It’s like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order like they should be.
When you stop believing in Santa you get underwear.
May I always be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
If you met my family, you’d understand.
When did my wild oats turn into oat bran?
The Hokey Pokey Clinic: A place to turn yourself around.
Who are YOU to tell me to question authority?
My train of thought has left the station.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Old age comes at an inconvenient time.
Dijon Vu: the same mustard as before.
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
FACING YOUR FEARS BUILDS STRENGTH but running from them makes for a great cardio workout.
HISTORY BUFF: I’d find you more interesting if you were dead.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why are you scared?
Yes, I know they pick on you at school and call you names, but you still have to go. YOU”RE THE TEACHER!
This person is a SUBVERSIVE DISCORDIAN INSTIGATOR. Don’t turn you back on them.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why I appear bright until you hear me speak.
Back in my day we had 9 planets
Double negatives are a no-no
I’m HUGE in Lilliput
Writer’s block: When your imaginary friends won’t talk to you.
The library - it’s like taking your brain to the gym.
Freedom of speech is not a license to be stupid.
VETUSTIOR HUMO (Older than dirt)
Hyberbole is the GREATEST THING EVER!!!
The two most abundant elements on Earth are oxygen and stupidity.
I became a librarian for the money. (The power and fame are just a bonus.)
I cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from passing over my head but I can keep them from building a nest in my hair.
Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Being a good writer is 5% talent and 95% not being distracted by the Internet.
My train of thought just derailed. There are no survivors.
Rose are red, Violets are blue. I hate rhyming. Zebra.
My doctor is recommending cryogenics.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
I’d rather die from too much BBQ than not enough brussel sprouts.
THE CONSTITUTION: I read it for the articles.
Everyone needs a happy place. Mine is reading a book.
HOMONYMS are a reel waist of thyme.
I’m going to graduate on time no matter how long it takes.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in the police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
My Internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsbile.
Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.
An apple a day will keep anyone away, if thrown hard enough.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces
DON’T YOU TYPE AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE.
You say I’m insane. That’s OK with me, but I prefer the term mentally hilarious.
Math problem? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)2.362x]
The only thing to fear is fear itself….and spiders.
Wag more. Bark less.
Pass me a beer and watch me get AWESOME!
If it wasn’t for physics, I’d be UNSTOPPABBLE.
With the right tools, I can break anything.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
LIBRARIANS: Shhhh happens
Played with dinosaurs as a child.
If I said I’d fix it, I will. You don’t have to remind me every six months about it.
The first 50 years of Marriage are the Hardest
I’m so old I fart dust
D.A.D.D. Dads Against Daughters Dating
I tried being good. It just didn’t work out.
If zombies eat brains, you’re probably safe.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
If you can’t take the heat don’t tickle the dragon.
I dream of a society where a chicken can cross the road without its motives questioned.
Let me drop everything & work on your problem
GRANDPA: The man, The Myth, The Legend
I’m a teacher. What’s your super power?
Dear Algebra, Stop asking me to find your X. She’s not coming back.
I’m in no shape to exercize.
My IQ test came back negative.
I’M THE BOSS. My wife said I could have a turn.
I avoid cliches like the plague.
LISTEN and SILENT have the same letters. Coincidence?
Let’s eat grandpa.
Let’s eat, grandpa.
Commas save lives.
Are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers?
YOUNG AT HEART - slightly older in other places
Statistics mean never having to say you’re certain
Well, another day has passed and I didn’t use algebra once.
Spelling is chall… difficu… HARD
So many recipes, so few squirrels
Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.
I’m not crazy because I TEACH. I’m crazy because I LIKE it.
I say what everyone else is thinking.
I’m not a pessimist. I’m an optimist with experience.
Cleverly diguised as a responsible adult
Those who can, teach. Those who can’t, pass laws about teaching.
It was me. I let the dogs out.
I know just enough to be dangerous
Rule of math: If it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong.
I complain, therefore I am.
Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2 seem odd to me.
Don’t make me use UPPERCASE
One must always respect age, particularly when it’s bottled.
I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.
The last time I reached for the stars I pulled a muscle.
I’d explain it to you but I am out of puppets and crayons.
Do I look like the HELP DESK?
It’s not all about me. But mostly it is.
If I look CONFUSED it’s because I’m thinking
It takes a lot of energy to simulate normalcy
I’m awake and dressed. What more do you want from me?
I’m right 97% of the time. Who cares about the other 4%?
I’M NOT LAZY I’m physically conservative.
Men have feelings too. We feel hungry. We feel thirsty.
World’s Goodest Teacher
A wise man once said, “I should ask my wife.”
iTired: There’s a nap for that.
I drink coffee for YOUR protection.