Doug Johnson

Doug’s t-shirt says (Last updated 3/8/2008)

So much to do and so many other things to distract me.
Prepositions are not something to end sentences with.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
In pig years, I’d be a football.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed.
The dog ate my lesson plan.
I will conquer my procrastination problem. You just wait!
Sometimes I wonder… “Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?” And then it hits me.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
If you’re telekinetic and know it, raise my hand.
Let’s hope intelligent life exists in space. I’m lonely here.
Life is short. Read fast.
Don’t make me use my Librarian voice.
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called Research. Einstein
ENGLISH MAJOR - You do the math
It’s such a beautiful day.  I think I’ll surprise everyone and skip my medication.
Careful, or you’ll end up in my novel.
Joan of Arc was not Noah’s wife
Traveling 33 RPM in an iPod world
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma
I wish I knew then, what I know now - that I just forgot
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
Ha! Ha! Made You Read
At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All … I Just Can’t Remember It All
Never judge a book by its movie
Good Morning is an oxymoron
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I’m a librarian. Don’t make shush your ass.
If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You
I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
SELECTIVE LISTENER
My dog can lick YOUR HONOR STUDENT
I may not be right, but I can sure sound like it.
If idiots grew on trees this place would be an orchard.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If at first you don’t succeed,skydiving is not for you.
Fight Commonism!
You’re looking at a legend.
NOT PERFECT but so close it scares me
PESSISMISM never works
I”ll get my elves right on that…
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Don’t make me get the flying monkeys!
Lost in thought (Please send rescue party.)
If it’s true we’re here to help others, what exactly are the others here for?
Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder…and your hand over my mouth.
programmed to accept cookies.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?
Too many people with solutions ARE THE PROBLEM
I’m sick of being my wife’s arm candy.
If I’m talking you should be taking notes.
Books – the original laptop.
Smarter than the average bear.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
What part of quantum theory don’t you understand?
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
I’m only wearing black until they make something darker.
Mom likes me best.
Age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
Pithy saying Pith me off.
Dangerously overeducated.
I do know all the answers but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.
They say I have A.D.D. but they just don’t understand. Oh Look! A chicken!
I’m in the prime of my strife.
INACTION FIGURE
My password is: * * * * * * * *
Float like a Lepidoptera. Sting like a Hymenoptera.
Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.
This IS my warm and sensitive side.
GRAVITY always wins
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
So much to do and so many other things to distract me.
18, 263 days old. But who’s counting?
It’s not rocket surgery.
Sharp as a marble.
Bad spelling makes me [sic].
It’s better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life.
Mirror, mirror on the wall… What the **^&%^&% happened?
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
Always be nice to the lunch lady.
Yes, I know I need a haircut.
I don’t skinny dip. I chunky dunk.
Some days it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints.
By reading this, you have given me brief control over your mind.
Manure occureth.
My book club can beat up your book club.
Old Dog. Knows All The Tricks.
Women Who Behave Rarely Make History
THE BEATINGS WILL CONTINUE Until Morale Improves!
I hear you changed your mind at last. What did you do with the diaper?
Beer Helping White Men Dance Since 1862
Just be happy I’m not a twin.
The probabillty that you read my shirt: 1.
And thou shalt have dominion over the animals – except, of course, the cats.
If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will?
Old friends are the best – they know everything about you (but they can’t remember it).
I wandered off from the tour.
Shhhhhh… that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
I live for snow days.
Embarrassing my children – Just one more service I offer.
When I was your age, Pluto was a planet.
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
If you have something to say raise your hand … and place it over your mouth.
Everything I say is substantiated by my own opinion.
I can’t remember what I forgot to forget.
Don’t do what I do, but do do what I don’t do.
Dain bramaged
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
I’ve stopped listening. Why haven’t you stopped talking?
If you’re too open minded your brain will fall out.
Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
It isn’t the jeans that make your rear end look fat.
Education bridges the gap between your ears.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Et tu dufus?
Were are we going and why are we in this hand basket?
It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it’s all about?
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
I’m confused. Wait…maybe I’m not.
333 – I’m only half evil.
My life is an endless battle against maturity.
On the journey of life, I chose the psycho path.
Even if the voices are not real they have some pretty good ideas.
You can’t scare me – I have a two year old.
Instant human – Just add coffee.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I never get lost. People always tell me where to go.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Needs supervision.
Is a retired therapist a shrunk?
No one knows the trouble I’ve been.
I’m not bossy. I just know what should be done.
Keep staring at me. I might do a trick.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When all else fails, manipulate the data.
Mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park.
Top 10 reasons to procrastinate:    1.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
HERE I AM. Now what are your other two wishes?
National Sarcasm Society: Like we need your support.
Some days you’re the bug. Other days you’re the windshield.
I’m lost. But I’m making good time.
With luck & planning I’ll retire at 149.
Have you seen my marbles?
You’re not the boss of me. My cat is.
DOOLITTLE & LOAFMORE - Retirement Planning
My Indian name is RUNS WITH BEER
SCHIZOPHRENIA Beats being alone.
The pigeons are watching me…
DO NOT DISTURB Already quite disturbed.
You’re funny. But looks aren’t everything
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t…
I Do All My Own Stunts
Well aren’t you the most adorable black hole of need.
Department of Redundancy Department
I’m with stupid. (Arrow pointing up.)
YOUR Dum
I AM the evil twin.
Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies
You! Off my planet!
You looked better on MySpace.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Well, this day WAS a total waste of make-up.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And, your cry baby whiney opinion would be?
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I’m just working here till McDonalds takes on older workers.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
Everyone thinks that I am psychotic - except my friends deep inside the earth.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
First rule of married life: it’s better to be happy than to be right.
HELP WANTED:  Telepath - You know where to apply.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
You can’t steer a parked car.
LOST: Black and white cat. Blind in left eye. Lame. Recently castrated. Answers to the name of Lucky .
Is it time for your medication or mine?
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
We make the easy impossible.
How do I set the laser pointer to stun?
 I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I don’t know what your  problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being  smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
 I  don’t work here, I’m a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re  saying.
 Ahhh.. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
You  are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
The fact that no one understands you  doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
Any connection between your reality and  mine is purely coincidental.
It’s a thankless job,  but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
I started out with  nothing and still have most of it left.
Errors  have been made. Others will be blamed.
Can  I trade this job for what’s behind door #3?
I had amnesia once — or twice.
Protons have mass?  I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
They told me I was gullible… and I believed them.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Doug. Your Eminence. I’m fine with either one.
Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too small to be let out on its own